The Stay-at-Home Lifestyle

I'm sure some people wonder what exactly it is that Caleb and I do all day long here at the house, so I'm going to dedicate this post to just such an account.

1. We sleep in until 11am
2. We eat junk food
3. We watch TV
4. We take a nap until Hilary comes home from work

Well...not really, but maybe we could squeeze one of those days in here sometime.

No, of course, as most are aware I work from home. So I'm not strictly a "Stay-at-Home Dad" but more of a "Work-from-Home Dad." When I quit my job in 2008 to stay at home so Hilary could go back to work, we pretty well decided that the only real justification could be that I would take my side business into a full-time endeavor. That in and of itself wasn't terribly easy, but it was certainly less of a challenge than taking care of an infant.

Fast forward 2 years, and of course it has become a little more second nature to be daddy and business owner simultaneously. As I have gained more and more jobs with my company, however, I've had to make sure I don't leave Caleb without the attention and guidance a 2 year old needs. Sure, there are those days or those hours where I have to take an important call, or finish editing a project on a deadline, and those are the days where Elmo or Curious George take center stage. But Hilary and I don't necessarily want Caleb sitting around watching TV all day every day, so I have to jump through some hoops every now and then. Occasionally that means creating my work schedule so that there are gaps of time where I focus solely on him. Even when I'm in my office, though, I make sure he's not wandering around, opening up the bleach or hitting Jingles with a frying pan.

He is quite happy to play by himself, and he's always coming up with some new game. Nothing terribly notable, but for instance, he'll line up his cars all next to each other, then go down the line and turn them around the other way, then one by one he'll push them away down the hall.

I love getting him up in the mornings and getting his breakfast together. He's a late sleeper most days, so I get up with Hilary (yes, around 5:30am) and get going with my day, trying to get a chunk of my work done before he wakes up around 8-9am. Most days he'll spend an hour or two after breakfast playing with his toys, puzzles, books...all that good stuff. We'll play for a while, then eventually it's lunch time, and within an hour or so after lunch is when I try to get him down for a nap (though it doesn't always happen that quickly). While he naps, I get some more work done, and then usually we have an hour or so together before Hilary gets home.

I do regret that I haven't taken as much time as I'd like to get him together with other kids his age, but he does have those opportunities. Over the last 6 months, I've had what seems like a string of once or twice a week meetings or jobs where I had to have a friend from our small group watch Caleb during a big chunk of the day. It has worked out quite well, though, as she has kids aged 4, 3 and 2 years old (roughly) and Caleb loves whenever he gets to go over there and play.

But when I'm able to spend time with him just reading a book, playing a game, making weird faces or just having lunch together, I realize how fortunate - and rare - my opportunity is here. These days, neither moms nor dads can take for granted that they will be able to stay at home with their kids. And for a dad, the chance to do something like this is mostly a foregone conclusion.

Of course, Hilary is the one that makes it all possible in a way. She was fortunate to get a good job right after we got married, and between the pay, the benefits and the retirement options, it was going to be hard to turn that all down to be a stay at home mom. And while we both could have certainly maintained our employment, I was in a place where I wasn't making much money and I wasn't happy (and benefits? retirement? forget it). I was fortunate to have gained some pretty good success with my side business, so Hilary stayed with her job and made it so that Caleb wouldn't have to go to day care everyday. We've never regretted that decision at all, but it's still hard for Hilary - and me - when she has to be at work all day instead of here with Caleb. She makes a bigger sacrifice than maybe some folks realize. However, her employment is secure (more than most people can say) and by sticking with it, we are able to maintain a fairly good standard of living for our household without worrying about when the next paycheck will come.

I don't know when or if we'll have another child, but I do know that it will be a sad day when Caleb goes off to school and it's just me here. And I only thought about that for the first time the other day. As I told Hilary, as a guy, a dad, I don't think about things the same way a mom would. I don't consider myself any kind of replacement for mommy time. I do, of course, consider myself a better replacement for a child care service. But the main thing is, I don't expect myself to feel the same emotion that I see with Hilary all the time. And that's what makes it a strange feeling when I think about the time coming when it's no longer me and the little guy at the house, when he's in school and I'm just at work.

At that point, there will still be PLENTY of parenting to do, but it will pretty much be a regular work day for me once again.

Things I have NOT learned

I haven't posted in a while, and certainly not for lack of good material. As anyone with experience with a 1 year old can tell you, it's day after day of blog-worthy stuff.

But I got to thinking about my last post (yes, 3 months ago) where I imparted such incredible parenting wisdom upon you all, and I realized that there is just SO MUCH that I don't understand, it really isn't worth spouting off about the few things that I have figured out.

I was asked recently by a friend considering having kids in the next year or so, "how do you figure everything out? Do you read books, or do people tell you about how to do things?" The answer came almost without thought..."um, nope...really, you just kinda figure things out as you go along." And it is so true.

Now that's not to say there isn't good information available on parenting...between all the books, magazines, and opinions of other interested parties (we'll call them "grandparents"), there's a good bit that can be helpful. However, these are all mostly guidelines, and not so much because every kid is so unique and different, but mainly because we as parents are all so unique and different. There are stark contrasts between the parenting styles of Caleb's two parents. I'm somewhat harsher, quicker to reprimand, but also quicker to just act a fool and play around. Hilary is much more balanced between being the corrections officer and the entertainer. And of course, Caleb recognizes those differences somewhat, and he reacts differently to each of us as a result.

So that's what I'm proposing...I think Caleb - and most kids - are a product of their environment in so many ways. They learn everything, they pay attention constantly (even if it doesn't seem that way). And it helps to recognize the importance of your role and what you can and can't do. If you think "kids will be kids" or "well, my little guy is just that way," then you're missing the most important and easily adjusted part of the equation - you.

Or in this case, me.